See, the plan was to write about something yesterday. But, I got side tracked by a conversation that I was having with a friend. Today, the subject that was on my mind yesterday has been waylaid by another subject. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride that I've been trying to sit out.
For those of you that have known me for a while, you know that I've been wanting to fix some things that I've done in my past. Today, I was blessed to have a conversation with one of the deacons with whom I work. The biggest 'mistake' that I made in life took place in 1999. I've been trying to come up with a better word for this event. I don't really think it was a mistake, per se. But, it was a decision that steered me off the path that everyone though I was taking.
Eleven years ago, I made a decision to quit school and move away from home. I admit, the motive behind it was selfish. But, for nearly nine years, I lived a life that I thought would bring me happiness. A life in which I felt what I thought of at that time was love. About three years ago, I chose to leave that life and come back home.
For three years now, I have been trying to think of a way to get back in to school. I've been afraid that the choices that I'd made in my past would effect how I can go on from here. People have been placed in my life that have been encouraging me to look in to going back to school. But, for some reason, I keep fighting it. I come up with excuses left and right why I can't do it. Why I can't live the dream that I had thirteen years ago which rekindled itself in the past five years. But, today, I've had a chance to sit and think about life. My conclusion? 'What the heck am I waiting for?'
I keep saying that I wish that God would show me the map that He has planned for me. That He wouldn't be so secretive about it and just lay it out in the open. I feel like I've been hit with a 'stupid stick'. He has put several people in my life who are able and willing to help me to live my dream. Well, not only my dream but maybe even God's plan.
The deacon that I had the chance to talk to told me this... He said 'You made a mistake. What you do with that mistake can do either one of two things. You can either learn from the mistake and not repeat it or you can dwell on it and live in it. What are you going to do about it?' At that point, I needed to pee! So, what did I do? Did I stand there and pee on myself or did I got to the restroom? Darn it, I went to the restroom!
27.5.10
Dayenu!
May 2010 has been quite an adventurous month! From retreats to graduations... From new life to death... From beginning to end! I can honestly say that I've had no time to be bored!
We spent the first half of the month gearing up for CCD events. My kids were up for their first Reconciliation and their First Holy Communion. On the 8th of May, we had their retreat and day of preparation. There were a total of 69 children who had to go to reconciliation and a grand total of two priests to help them! I thought the day would never end! But, God, in his mercy, helped us all to transition through the day smoothly and without any major hiccups! A huge thank you going out to Fathers Edivaldo and Julio for being there for our students!
On May 16th, 69 children were welcomed in to the ranks of those who may consume the body and blood of Christ. Amongst those 69 were a group of 16 for which Audrey and I were responsible. These 16 children were a challenge for us. But, with patience and love, we were able to pull through a year of faith formation. I can't say that we were perfect. But, hey! I think we did a pretty awesome job! To watch our kids go from strangers to inseparable was absolutely beautiful. To see all 16 of them there, dressed for a wedding, was rewarding and beautiful. I can't put in to words how much I enjoyed seeing them receive the Eucharist for the first time.
We spent the first half of the month gearing up for CCD events. My kids were up for their first Reconciliation and their First Holy Communion. On the 8th of May, we had their retreat and day of preparation. There were a total of 69 children who had to go to reconciliation and a grand total of two priests to help them! I thought the day would never end! But, God, in his mercy, helped us all to transition through the day smoothly and without any major hiccups! A huge thank you going out to Fathers Edivaldo and Julio for being there for our students!
On May 16th, 69 children were welcomed in to the ranks of those who may consume the body and blood of Christ. Amongst those 69 were a group of 16 for which Audrey and I were responsible. These 16 children were a challenge for us. But, with patience and love, we were able to pull through a year of faith formation. I can't say that we were perfect. But, hey! I think we did a pretty awesome job! To watch our kids go from strangers to inseparable was absolutely beautiful. To see all 16 of them there, dressed for a wedding, was rewarding and beautiful. I can't put in to words how much I enjoyed seeing them receive the Eucharist for the first time.
Of all that I've done in the past month, I truly believe that First Holy Communion was the most rewarding! Not only did I witness my students partake in it but I was greatly blessed to witness my godson, Brandon Patrick, receive another sacrament.
I have been so blessed, being surrounded by people that love me. God has shown me, through 17 small children, just how great his love can be. He has helped me through a difficult month by balancing it with joyous occasions.
This all would have been good enough! DAYENU! But, He continues to bless and amaze me as time goes by!
24.5.10
Say What?
So, I've been having horrible memory lapses all day. I want to attribute it to a week of craziness catching up on me. But, paranoia has me attributing it to other things.
Aye Dios mio! I've just turned 30 (five months ago)! I can't be forgetting things just yet!
Other interesting tidbits of the day (at least to me):
Other than that, life is good. Pictures and stories of the past week are coming soon!
Shalom!
Aye Dios mio! I've just turned 30 (five months ago)! I can't be forgetting things just yet!
Other interesting tidbits of the day (at least to me):
- I've never heard a man say, 'Aye, Señor!' more than I heard it this morning...
- I'm craving sorisos pak pak and Korean hot pot...
- I went on a honeymoon without first being married...
- Celebrated to birth of the church...
- I'm looking forward to a self-induced coma come 5pm!
Other than that, life is good. Pictures and stories of the past week are coming soon!
Shalom!
12.5.10
It's All Yiddish To Me!
For four years, he told me... 'You're such a mashugana!'
For four years, I asked what it meant...
Yesterday, I looked it up. I should have left four years earlier! *wink*
Oy vey iz mir!
But, honestly, I've no regrets!
6.5.10
It's In The Way...
Ever notice how people from different cultures use different gestures when they speak? For instance, someone from Italy would use their hands a lot. Someone from the Philippines gestures with their lips. Someone from Japan, their head and their eyes. I never noticed anything about people from Guam. Maybe the reason for this is that I am removed from the other cultures and look at it from the outsiders' point of view.
Recently, while speaking with a friend from Malta, I suppose I made a simple gesture that, to me, was natural - something that I didn't even realize I did. She asked me a question and, rather than stating my answer verbally, apparently, I used my eyebrows. This resulted in a lengthy discussion about how different people interpret different gestures... well... differently!
To a person from Guam, to raise both eyebrows is an indication of affirming something. It can mean, 'Yes, I want to take a dip in the pool.' or maybe even, 'Of course I know my house is on fire!'. To someone from Malta, it means exactly the opposite.
This friend of mine noticed that Chamorro people use their eyebrows a lot when they are speaking. I had, honestly, never noticed that it was that extensive. But, in the past week, I've tried to be conscientious about my mannerisms. Yes, I speak a lot with my hands. When people call me to ask for directions to my office, I often use my hands to guide them - yes, I'm aware that they can't see me. But, I also realized that my friend was right. When I am speaking, I use my eyebrows a lot! Of course, the head gesture along with the eyebrow movement adds a totally different meaning to things. But, it's all there and it all means something.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this... If you are Chamorro and say you lost your eyebrows in some freak gasoline fight incident where all the hair was singed off your face, you'd be screwed! Either that or you'd have to learn Italian hand gestures and use those instead. But, then people will think that you've got some weird identity crisis going on and can't figure out if you're Chamorro or Italian because you're speaking perfect English with a Chamorro accent and using Italian hand gestures! Mama mia!
Recently, while speaking with a friend from Malta, I suppose I made a simple gesture that, to me, was natural - something that I didn't even realize I did. She asked me a question and, rather than stating my answer verbally, apparently, I used my eyebrows. This resulted in a lengthy discussion about how different people interpret different gestures... well... differently!
To a person from Guam, to raise both eyebrows is an indication of affirming something. It can mean, 'Yes, I want to take a dip in the pool.' or maybe even, 'Of course I know my house is on fire!'. To someone from Malta, it means exactly the opposite.
This friend of mine noticed that Chamorro people use their eyebrows a lot when they are speaking. I had, honestly, never noticed that it was that extensive. But, in the past week, I've tried to be conscientious about my mannerisms. Yes, I speak a lot with my hands. When people call me to ask for directions to my office, I often use my hands to guide them - yes, I'm aware that they can't see me. But, I also realized that my friend was right. When I am speaking, I use my eyebrows a lot! Of course, the head gesture along with the eyebrow movement adds a totally different meaning to things. But, it's all there and it all means something.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this... If you are Chamorro and say you lost your eyebrows in some freak gasoline fight incident where all the hair was singed off your face, you'd be screwed! Either that or you'd have to learn Italian hand gestures and use those instead. But, then people will think that you've got some weird identity crisis going on and can't figure out if you're Chamorro or Italian because you're speaking perfect English with a Chamorro accent and using Italian hand gestures! Mama mia!
16.4.10
Revelations
About four months ago, someone told me that I had an inability to love. Immediately, I judged him. I thought, 'Who is this man? He does not know me!'. If he didn't know me, how could he tell me that I wasn't able to love? He obviously had to be wrong! Now, four months later, I see what he meant.
If I truly had, within me, the capacity to love, I would not pick and choose with whom I share this love. I would not only love my family for even one with the hardest heart can love his family. I would not only love the man who makes me smile or the friend who has proven himself. If I had the ability to love, I would love my enemy, I would love a stranger who has walked in off the street, I would love the one who hurt me. If I truly knew how to love, I would love the community who stands behind me.
I don't believe that this all means that I can never love. It is something that I am learning to do. Maybe I should have added it to my list of changes to be made in the coming years. To learn to love. To learn to forgive. To learn to forget. Not just some. All.
I have had the opportunity to talk to one of my best friends the other day about being selfish and about helping others. They seem to be two totally different concepts. But, they go hand in hand. You see, in order to help others, you have to be able to help yourself first. If I am a mess, how can I help other people? Wouldn't it just end up with two people being a complete mess? It's a circle, really. Sometimes, we need to take a step back, take a look at ourselves, and make sure that we are in the condition we should be in before we step out in to the world and make complete chaos of a situation.
It's been an interesting couple of weeks here. One full of tears, laughter, joy, and pain. A month of testing my faith and trying to shake its foundations. A time of suffering and healing. Seeing the church I love being brought to her knees and knowing that, in the end, it will be okay. She will rise again.
You know what? I'd not have had it any other way.
In the words of Mr. Key, 'Tara!'
If I truly had, within me, the capacity to love, I would not pick and choose with whom I share this love. I would not only love my family for even one with the hardest heart can love his family. I would not only love the man who makes me smile or the friend who has proven himself. If I had the ability to love, I would love my enemy, I would love a stranger who has walked in off the street, I would love the one who hurt me. If I truly knew how to love, I would love the community who stands behind me.
I don't believe that this all means that I can never love. It is something that I am learning to do. Maybe I should have added it to my list of changes to be made in the coming years. To learn to love. To learn to forgive. To learn to forget. Not just some. All.
I have had the opportunity to talk to one of my best friends the other day about being selfish and about helping others. They seem to be two totally different concepts. But, they go hand in hand. You see, in order to help others, you have to be able to help yourself first. If I am a mess, how can I help other people? Wouldn't it just end up with two people being a complete mess? It's a circle, really. Sometimes, we need to take a step back, take a look at ourselves, and make sure that we are in the condition we should be in before we step out in to the world and make complete chaos of a situation.
It's been an interesting couple of weeks here. One full of tears, laughter, joy, and pain. A month of testing my faith and trying to shake its foundations. A time of suffering and healing. Seeing the church I love being brought to her knees and knowing that, in the end, it will be okay. She will rise again.
You know what? I'd not have had it any other way.
In the words of Mr. Key, 'Tara!'
30.3.10
Holy Week
Today marks the second day of Holy Week. With the Easter season fast approaching, there's a mad dash of preparation going on in the church. There's preparation for the liturgy and music ministry for our Easter Vigil that has been ongoing for a couple of weeks now. The Triduum begins on Thursday and there is so much to do before then!
Last night was day two of cantor practice and I must say, it went pretty darned good! We've got the cantors squared away for the vigil celebration and have one more practice on the day of the celebration. Now, if only I could reacquire my flute so that I can transpose and practice!
My journey to Easter has been one marked with much determination - okay, maybe not that much(I tried) - and definitely more than a couple of inner struggles! Up until last week, I didn't not feel ready for Easter. In the past few years, there was always this anticipation building up towards the end of the Lenten season. But, for some reason, this year was different. I entered the season with zeal. With sincerity to become a better person. A better Christian, even. But, as time went on, I grumbled - a lot! - and every time I would fall, I found it harder and harder to pick myself back up to make the trek. My zeal smoldered out in to an almost nonexistent ember. But, as we all know, you add a little oxygen and wood to that ember and it has the potential to build back up in to a raging fire.
You see, all I needed to do was to take a step back. To take a deep breath and relax just a little bit. I needed to take a little break from the hustle and bustle of the office and of the world. To just brush aside the worries that I have... the worries that my kids won't understand anything that we're trying to transmit to them about our faith, the worries that I have friends in need that I can't manage to find time or energy to reach and help. I just needed to let it go and reflect on the season and what is to come.
For a Catholic, such as myself, Easter is the most important time in the Church. It is what our faith is all about. The death of Christ opened up the gates of heaven for humanity. It brought forgiveness of our sins. It shows us that God loves us so much that He was willing to come and dwell with us in human frailty, to the point of death. He could have chosen any form of death. But, He didn't. He chose a painful death. One so horrible that we turn our faces from the image of the crucified Christ.
I was having a conversation with a coworker today about said image. About how some people view the Passion as something to mourn. Some view the death of Christ as something to weep about. But, I do not. I see this season as one of deep reflection. I see the death of Christ as something in which I may rejoice. You see, no matter how unworthy I feel, what matters is that He never sees me as unworthy. Yes, I will pay my respects to the image of Christ in the tomb, to Christ on the cross. But, I will also remember that, on the third day, He rose again. By His death, I too have the chance to rise again and see Him face to face.
So, I enter in to the Triduum with great reverence. On Thursday, I shall pray my heart out that I may enter in to the Easter season with great zeal and love for Christ. On Good Friday, I shall kneel before the cross of the crucified Christ and be thankful for the love that He showed for me and for all humanity. I shall also pray for the courage, patience, love, and humility to, not only bear but, embrace the crosses that He has put in my life.
On Easter Sunday, Christ will lead me out of my dessert and in to a land far more beautiful than I could ever have wished or dreamed. I shall rejoice and - to most of my friends, this is the good part - I shall feast.
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