About four months ago, someone told me that I had an inability to love. Immediately, I judged him. I thought, 'Who is this man? He does not know me!'. If he didn't know me, how could he tell me that I wasn't able to love? He obviously had to be wrong! Now, four months later, I see what he meant.
If I truly had, within me, the capacity to love, I would not pick and choose with whom I share this love. I would not only love my family for even one with the hardest heart can love his family. I would not only love the man who makes me smile or the friend who has proven himself. If I had the ability to love, I would love my enemy, I would love a stranger who has walked in off the street, I would love the one who hurt me. If I truly knew how to love, I would love the community who stands behind me.
I don't believe that this all means that I can never love. It is something that I am learning to do. Maybe I should have added it to my list of changes to be made in the coming years. To learn to love. To learn to forgive. To learn to forget. Not just some. All.
I have had the opportunity to talk to one of my best friends the other day about being selfish and about helping others. They seem to be two totally different concepts. But, they go hand in hand. You see, in order to help others, you have to be able to help yourself first. If I am a mess, how can I help other people? Wouldn't it just end up with two people being a complete mess? It's a circle, really. Sometimes, we need to take a step back, take a look at ourselves, and make sure that we are in the condition we should be in before we step out in to the world and make complete chaos of a situation.
It's been an interesting couple of weeks here. One full of tears, laughter, joy, and pain. A month of testing my faith and trying to shake its foundations. A time of suffering and healing. Seeing the church I love being brought to her knees and knowing that, in the end, it will be okay. She will rise again.
You know what? I'd not have had it any other way.
In the words of Mr. Key, 'Tara!'