Have You Ever....

Had one of those weeks where you wish you could just go to bed, wake up again, and find that none of it ever happened? Yeah, I'm having one of those.

Life is under a microscope and I find that I'm noticing every little thing that went wrong along the way and it's being magnified by the power of 1000!

For instance, if I could go back to a day a few years back, I'd have walked the other way when you came in. I'd have run for the hills. But, the reality is, I can't. There is no time machine that will allow me to do so. At least, not yet! Now, if we were living in the age of the Jetsons then MAYBE!! Alas, we are not.

Oh well... At times like these, I just have to force myself to remember that it all happens for a reason.



My Cry...

"Yahweh, you examine me and know me
you know when I sit, when I rise, you understand my thoughts from afar.
You watch when I walk or lie down, you know every detail of my conduct.
A word is not yet on my tongue before you, Yahweh, know all about it.
You fence me in, behind and in front, you have laid your hand upon me.
Such amazing knowledge is beyond me, a height to which I cannot attain.
Where shall I go to escape your spirit? Where shall I flee from your presence?
If I scale the heavens you are there, if I lie flat in Sheol, there you are.
If I speed away on the wings of the dawn, if I dwell beyond the ocean,
even there your hand will be guiding me, your right hand holding me fast.
I will say, 'Let the darkness cover me, and the night wrap itself around me,'
even darkness to you is not dark, and night is as clear as the day.
You created my inmost self, knit me together in my mother's womb.
For so many marvels I thank you; a wonder am I, and all your works are wonders. You knew me through and through,
my being held no secrets from you, when I was being formed in secret, textured in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes could see my embryo. In your book all my days were inscribed, every one that was fixed is there.
How hard for me to grasp your thoughts, how many, God, there are!
If I count them, they are more than the grains of sand; if I come to an end, I am still with you.
If only, God, you would kill the wicked!-Men of violence, keep away from me!
those who speak blasphemously about you, and take no account of your thoughts.
Yahweh, do I not hate those who hate you, and loathe those who defy you?
My hate for them has no limits, I regard them as my own enemies.
God, examine me and know my heart, test me and know my concerns.
Make sure that I am not on my way to ruin, and guide me on the road of eternity."
Psalm 139

Tonight, I thank God for the close friendship I have with a man of the cloth. When in crisis about my life, he pointed me in the way of this psalm and it brought my to my knees, crying out to God for guidance. It brings joy to my restless heart, to know that there is a being up there who loves me unconditionally and who will always be there, protecting me.

Please pray for me.



Being from Guam, we are usually protected or sheltered from the harsh realities of the world. Today, this reality chooses to hit home with the abduction and rape of a 15 year old girl. Not only on our island but about 5 minutes away from my home. I would be lying if I said that this is the first case of such magnitude. But, the reality of the situation is that many of our people are in such a rush to be caught up with the continental United States. But, when a situation like this hits home, we are quick to blame other cultures. Outsiders who have moved here and now call our island "home" are on the top o our list of suspects.

We are so quick to judge these men. I admit, there is no excuse for a man to abduct and rape a 15 year old child... or anybody, for that matter. But, we must remember that we, as a community, need to pull together to protect our children. To protect the innocence of our island. Instead, we choose to condemn these men to death. To kill them with our thoughts and our words.

At times like this, I can't help but remember the life of Sta. Maria Goretti. Maria Goretti was a child - only 12 years old - who was attacked, raped, and stabbed 14 times. She was an innocent child who loved her family and was obedient to her faith. Through her attack, she fought to defend her innocence and the innocence of the man who attacked her. On her death bed, she forgave this man and prayed for his soul.

We are so unlike Maria Goretti in this matter. Instead of praying for the healing of the victim and for the salvation of the men who attacked her, we condemn the men and seek revenge for the girl. If this world were so dead set on seeking revenge, where would we all be today? It is said, "An eye for an eye". In the words of Gandhi. "An eye for an eye will make the world blind."

We have to remember, these men will have to answer for their deeds at the final judgement. We are not God. We are not called to be the judge. I am in no way condoning the actions of these men or of any other people who choose to offend the law. But, there are systems that have been set forth that address these matters. We are in no position to do so ourselves.

Instead, as an island community, we need to pull together. We need to work as a unit to protect our island and our people. We must educate our people. We need to open our eyes and realize that these offenses exist. We are not so sheltered anymore. We should be more watchful of our children and the youth of the community. After all, it takes a village to raise a child, right?

My prayers are with you all. :)



Simply put, you're not a priority in my life simply because you don't seem to want to be. Maybe one day that will change. But, until then...


Almost A Year

November 16th marks a year since we've said goodbye to a woman who meant so much to our family. So much has happened in this year. Yet, I remember every single aspect of that day. I remember that I was at work and wished I could have been home. I remember grumbling because it was a rough day at work. I was at Sakura Noodle house with the two men in my life who have seen me through so much and I remember feeling lost.

Standing outside the emergency room of that hospital, knowing that this would be the last time I would see her, was the most excruciating experience. This woman who I had loved so much without having to say so. This woman whom I took for granted. There was so much to say and yet, I couldn't find the words or the courage - doing so would have meant admitting that I had done wrong. Seeking the advice of a dear friend, a member of the clergy, I was able to swallow my pride and say goodbye.

It was the strangest feeling - standing there and saying my silent goodbye, listening to her labored breath, hearing what people refer to as 'the death rattle', and feeling her body tense and then go limp as she took her last breath. I would be lying if I said I was strong and could just let her go. The truth is, while I knew she was going to her eternal home and I should be happy, I was selfish. I wanted to keep her for one more minute. To tell her how sorry I was. To tell her, one last time, that I love her.

Today, I know that she is praying for us. I know that she is looking at us and seeing the fruits of her life. I know that she cried tears of joy with us when my sister's dream of becoming a mother was realized. I know that she was happy to see that my mother, her daughter, was finally the grandmother she wished she could be.

We miss her so much, these days. Every time an event occurs, we run to the phone to call her - picking up the receiver and realizing that she's no longer here and sadly hanging the phone back in its cradle.

Much more important are the memories she left us with. The smile that she always had for us. The birthday calls, the birthday kisses and pinches. The faith that she instilled on us since childhood. Yes, even the sweets that she would make us during the typhoon days that we spent with her.

Grandma Taijeron will forever be in our hearts. The pain will fade, eventually. But, her face will always be in our minds when we think of her. When we drive up to her old house, we will always see her, sitting at he kitchen table, peeking out the window with her gleaming head of white hair. She was a strong and beautiful person and I thank her for all that she did for our family, as a whole.

Nana-hu biha, hu tunggu na gaige hao gi langet ya kada diha uma'tan hao papa giya hita. Put fabot, manaitai ham sa an taigue hao, gof mappot para hita. Inguiaya hao para todo i tiempo. Siempre, un dia, ta a'sotda hit ta'lo go langet.



Tonight, I say a special prayer...

Lord, you know what's in my heart. If it's in your will may it be done to us. You know who I am, what I need, and what I desire. I am not worthy of everything you have done for me thus far. But, you know that I am eternally grateful for the graces you have blessed me with. May I always remain open to Your Will in my life. Amen.