That it is so hard to trust in the Will of God at the moment. There has been so much happening in my life lately that it seems that the 'problems' are piling up. Just when I think one problem is at it's end, it comes back with vengeance and bites me in the ass. Then, as if that's not bad enough, a new problem arises. But, there's one thing that is a constant... Life always keeps me on my toes.
Since I last posted about wanting it all to stop, it has stopped. You know what? I'm not happy about it. I thought, if this situation no longer existed. If this man just stopped the foolishness... if I didn't hear from him ever, I'd be OK. I'd be happy. I'd be able to put it behind me and move on. But, along with all of this comes the task of having to avoid him... having to sever the friendship. Now, I find myself missing the very thing that I can't have. It's difficult to accept that he can't be there anymore. Definitely not in the capacity that he was. But, it is a reality that I must face. A cross I must carry. The cup that I wish to pass from me.
To add to everything that has been happening. Yesterday, I received news that my father has a condition in which his heart is beating twice as fast as it should. We're not sure what is wrong with him. But, the doctor says that if it is not fixed, my father is in danger of having a stroke. This news was enough to get me to start doubting everything all over again. And, of course, the first person that I wanted to turn to, I couldn't. So, I turned to my girls and my community. Before I went to my community, I didn't realize how much it had bothered me. But, when I started sharing about it, I felt so destroyed. I felt sad and angry.
Why is this God that loves me doing these things? Why the constant struggle? Why the constant reality of death and sickness? Is it not enough that I am trying to give up my old life for him? Is it not enough that I am trying to let go of this man who he has obvious called?
But, I am taught that the pain, suffering, sickness, all of it, is in order to bring me closer to him. It's hard though. The other side starts to play games on me. He whispers in my ear, 'Your God doesn't love you! If he did, he wouldn't cause these things to happen.' It is so easy for me to just turn my back. To walk away. To live my life angry at the God who created me. It is easy for me to believe the lies of the world. It's easy to say no more, I can live the way I want.
It is easy for me to ask him to take this cup from me. Not so easy to tell him 'not my will but yours be done'. I wish I knew how to embrace the suffering. I wish I could understand what it is I need to do. I wish that I could look at him as a loving father who will do nothing to harm me. To believe that, just as he raised his son from the depths of hell, so will he raise me from my suffering. I suppose that's why I am where I am... To begin to understand his love and the grace of suffering. To walk in his footsteps. To carry my cross as he carried his. He too begged his father to have mercy on him. But, he accepted his father's will and in return was glorified.
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