Confusion...

It is written in scripture:


"And I tell you, ask and you will receive;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you. 
For everyone who asks, receives;
and the one who seeks, finds;
and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 
What father among you would hand his son a snake
when he asks for a fish? 
Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? 
If you then, who are wicked,
know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will the Father in heaven
give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?"
(Lk 11:9-13)


I will probably be ridiculed and mocked for this post. But, I shall chance it to get some things off of my chest. You may think me a fool, if you wish. But, know this, I am not ashamed of who I am or of what I believe. That, by far, is the only thing of which I am sure.


Lately, I've been feeling confused. Confused about the situation at home. Confused about the choices I have to make when faced with choosing between family and God, friends and God. About things concerning continuing my walk with my community. About the men that are placed in my life and the situations I encounter through them. Most of all, lately, I've been tremendously confused with my vocation.


There are times when I know exactly what I want in my life. No, I take that back, I always know what I want. I want a family. I want to be a wife to a husband. I want to be a mother of a healthy brood of children. I want success and happiness. I am not jaded in believing that marriage comes without difficulties. I know that there are trials on that journey. There are trials on all paths. But, I look at my parents, I look at the mission families and I want that bond with a man that I love. I want to be able to choose to die to my husband. To die for my children. But, what I want and what He wants are not necessarily the same thing.


I feel like I've been asking and not receiving. I've been desperately grasping in the dark and coming up empty handed. I have been knocking and no one has opened the door to this stranger. You see, I've been praying, harder and harder, it seems, for a long time. I've been asking God to just make it known to me what he wants me to do with my life. I've been asking for a sign, a map to show me the path that I am to travel. I've been pounding at the door to ask Him, face to face, what he wants of me. But, I've been feeling like I'm left here, in this cistern, drowning and gasping for air.


Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend the funeral of a Carmelite nun. I kept thinking about the monastery we visited in Australia. About how happy those nuns were. How beautiful they were. They had this glow to them that I had never seen on the face of anyone I'd ever met. The closest comparison would be to a blushing bride or a new mother holding a swaddled new born infant in her arms and knowing that this child was of her flesh and that of the man she loved. I looked at those nuns yesterday and I saw exactly the same look of those in Australia. They had this beauty in them and a light in their eyes for which I longed. I looked at them and saw that they were not what most men in today's world would deem attractive. But, to me, they were absolutely stunning. The most beautiful women on which I had ever laid eyes.


Yesterday, I heard the faint whisper of Christ in my heart. For the first time in a very long time, I thought that maybe, just maybe, this was my calling. Then, the temptations of the world came tumbling in on me. The desire of a family. The potential pain of leaving my family again. The realization that, if this is the path for me, I would have to give up the things of the world to which I have grown an attachment. 


So, maybe I have been asking and God has been giving the answers to me all along. Maybe I have been seeking and He has been laying the pearl in front of me. Maybe it is my heart on which He has been knocking and my ears have been shut to the sounds of the pounding. I just don't know...