Tano' i Chamorro

Tano' is the Chamorro word for land. The phrase 'Tano' i Chamorro' translates in to 'land of the Chamorros'. It is something that we, as the native people of Guam, take much pride in. We boast about the beauty of our land. The opportunity to escape to a secluded water hole or a private beach at our every whim. But, this is quickly turning in to a thing of the past. Something that our children will not be able to experience.

With the impending development of a Marine base on Guam, we are loosing access to some of the most beautiful getaways that our island has to offer. Areas that were utilized by our ancestors, and have since been made available for our enjoyment, will soon be taken over by the military. While it is not known yet whether all access to these areas will be cut off to the public, it is safe to assume that use of the area will be restricted.

Our people have been subject to restrictions for as long as I can remember. All my life, I can recall having to get clearance to visit certain beaches. It is a shame that the natives of our island have to seek permission for access to a land that is inherently ours. Even more shamefully, this land that I have to seek permission to utilize is freely available to strangers who have come to our island because they choose to serve their country. To strangers who disrespect and look down on our people.

You see, I have nothing against Americans. I call myself an American. It is a right that I inherited through birth. That my grandparents inherited through blood and tears. But, there are people who serve my country - our country - who do not take in to consideration that our culture on Guam is one of great respect and pride. We are a passive culture. We are a culture that believes we have a debt to pay to the U.S. for liberating and therefore saving the lives of our forefathers from the hands of the Japanese.

But, what is liberation if we are not free to use our own land whenever we please? What is liberation without being able to walk freely about that island that we love? What is this equality that we speak of in our constitution? What is justice?

To us, liberation is being held captive on our own island. Liberty is having to be careful where you tread for fear of being caught by a base official and kicked out. Equality is having to bow down and respect an American born in the states while they trample on you and talk about you like you are the lesser human being. Justice is trading an acre lot for a dozen of eggs and calling it even.

Maybe, one day, we can truly say that we, the natives of Guam, are free in our own land. Maybe, one day, we will be able to work, hand in hand, with the military forces on our island and come to an agreement that doesn't make us feel like captives at the mercy of their master. Maybe, one day, we can be truly proud to say, 'YES! I am Chamorro and I am also PROUD to be an American!'

This land, the land of the Chamorros, is a land that I have come to appreciate over the years and it is one that I am willing to fight for. We, the natives of this island, can not sit down and smile while our portion of the island gets smaller and smaller. We must stand proud and let them know that we are not going to lose the only thing we have left of our ancestors.

One Day At A Time

Today, I woke, ready to conquer the day. I was filled with anticipation. Eager to talk to people I loved, near and far. To spend time with those whom I could. To chit chat the time away... A lazy yet beautiful Sunday. The sun was up for the first time all weekend. The clouds had stolen away for a quick reprieve. All was looking up! This weekend was going to end on a good note!

Quickly, I turned from happiness to regret to anger to hatred and then to apathy. Within one hour of waking, I was ready to curl up and forget the day had even started. You see... Nothing really bad happened... Not to me.

I started to get this feeling that something wasn't right. Low and behold, something is not right. I started to regret trying. Then, I started to get angry at myself for trusting that the day was going to be good. Then, I was angered that I had trusted in Him... Then came the hatred. I hated myself... I hated the world, most of all... I hated someone who I never wanted to hate.

I suppose that all the feelings compounded upon each other led to apathy. I didn't care that things were spinning out of control. I didn't care that I could not stop my world from crashing in on me. I just didn't care about anything.

Thankfully, I have friends to help me through this. You see, I am blessed. I have people in my life who will not hurt me - not on purpose. I have people who genuinely care. Who utter words of affection that I can truly believe in. Most of all, I have a God who has placed these people with me because only He knows how much I need them. How much I need to be reminded that I am not able to do this on my own. How much just a listening ear will help to pull me out of my pit of darkness.

So, I would like to thank you. Not only the people who are there for me... But, the people who help me to realize that when you do hurt me - when you make me feel as if I shouldn't care - that there are people out there who I can lean on. Who will be my light in the darkness. Chris, Ted, Jamie, Dom, Andy, and Law... Even if you didn't know exactly what I was going through as we each went through our day, please know that you all helped me in your own ways. You all made me realize that I can conquer the day.

This weekend did end on a good note.

One Day...

One day, sorry won't be enough. One day, I'll get tired of hearing it. I pray that that day never comes. But, I fear it, nonetheless. I fear that you will come to me, in all honesty and humility, saying that you are sorry that you did what you did and that I will turn my ear from your cry. I fear that I won't be able to turn my face on what you feel you have done wrong.

One day, 'I love you' will no longer bring a smile to my face. It will not evoke feelings of mutuality. It won't melt my heart from stone. One day, I will hear those words uttered from your lips and I will cry for what it once meant. More so, one day, those words will bring from me a sigh of regret. They will turn my heart of flesh to one of stone that won't be able to be broken. One day, I won't be able to say them back and mean them as I have in the past.

One day, your cry for help will be heard as just a whisper, barely audible above the hatred that is screaming in my heart. One day, the fear I have that you will no longer be able to conquer this will consume me and I will no longer believe in you.

I pray that that one day will never come. I pray that I will always believe in the power you have. In the strength you possess to conquer your demons. But, one day... One day will come. My heart is breaking because of the possibility and there is no where I can turn but to you.

'Tis the Season

With the Christmas season in full gear, one can not help but be a tiny bit cheerful. I'm finding that songs I was hearing a couple of months ago are no longer irritating but pleasing to the ear. Decorations that I thought of as an eyesore are now beautiful! It's amazing the difference 2 months can make!

Here on Guam, we don't have the snow. We're lucky to find a fresh Christmas pine. There's no fireplace to sit around to share stories with the family. Hot cocoa is more a discomfort than anything else, in the humidity. But, I'll tell you what we've got going for us... We have family. We have friends. Most importantly, we have tradition.

With these three things on hand, it's easy to forget that we can't have a proper Christmas tree... That we won't be spending Christmas morning making snow people and angels. When surrounded by people you love and who are soaked through with local tradition, you are brought back to the real reason that you're celebrating such a holiday!

Of course, there is no escaping the commercialization of one of the church's largest holidays. It's the reality of life. But, here, we are lucky that we've worked in the real meaning of the day. While most people around the world are sitting around and pleasantly content with just opening presents, the people of Guam do something before that. We attend mass, we come home and before the presents are opened, the Novena to the Child Jesus is prayed. While people elsewhere run off to enjoy their gifts alone, the people of Guam pull together and celebrate as a family.

I can not remember a Christmas on Guam that I didn't spend with the people I love. I can not remember spending a Christmas on Guam without the richness of our culture. The traditions of my people are beautiful and I have realized, after being away from it from so long, that it is what sets us apart from other people in the world. My culture is not one that I will ever be ashamed of. It is one that my children - when I have them - will grow to love and appreciate.

So... Ginen i islan Guahan... Felis Pascua... Biba ha'anen mafanagun Jesu Kristu. Si Yu'us in binendisi i familia-mu!

Been A While

It's been way too long since I've posted something on here. Things have been happening so quickly lately that I haven't had the energy to put in to blogging.

Today, I had the chance to go through some storage that I've been meaning to sort through. Unfortunately, not only did it take time but it also drained me emotionally. It got me to think about a question that someone posed to me just earlier this week... That being, 'Are you over it?' Up until today, I thought I was.

Of course, there are times when you miss the physical contact. When you miss the affection. Heck, there are times when I even miss the disagreements that some with any relationship. But, I thought I was completely over a relationship that I removed myself from a little over two years ago. Hey, anyone would think that two years is long enough to move on.

While going through storage, I found a little box of trinkets that had been collected over about 8 years and the memories came flooding back. I guess it started with good memories... laughter, love, joy... Then the pain came and it was something that I wasn't expecting. I thought to myself... What are you doing?!

It's not that I regret leaving. Anyone can tell you that I am happier at this point in my life than I had been in the past. But, I guess I just miss the little things. Having someone there to hold you when you felt alone... Having someone to tell you that it's going to be ok... Having someone there to knock you when you know you're doing something completely insane!

Some time soon, there will be a burn session... A time when I can completely rid myself of these little trinkets that I keep finding around... The material things will no longer be here. But, the imprint that this person left in my heart will always be there. So, to answer the question... I guess I'm not completely over it... I probably never will be. This person will always be in my heart. But, I also realize that there is space in my heart for someone else... Someone who I have yet to meet... Someone who will fill the void there and maybe... just maybe... help me to reserve just a tiny space for the one that came before.

That Is What Friends Do...

I do not look at our differences and shake my head at them. I embrace them and bask in the fact that our differences are what make our friendship what it is. I look at our differences and smile because that is what friends do.

I do not laugh in your face because of the mistakes you've made. I try to understand why you have made them and help you to move forward from the situation. Because that, my friend, is what friends do.

I do not judge you for the life you live and force you to make a change. Rather, I love you just the way you are. Because that is what friends do.

I do not force my beliefs on you or tell you that you're wrong. Rather, I try to understand your beliefs and see where you are coming from. I'm not saying that I will change to believe the same things you do or that you should change to believe the same things as I. But, I respect you for standing up for your beliefs as I stand for mine. Because, you know what? THAT is what friends do.

All I ask in return is that you treat me the same. If you call me friend, embrace our differences. Help me move forward from my mistakes. Do not judge me or expect me to change. Respect my beliefs as I do yours. Love me as I am. Love me as I love you. Because that is what friends do.

All I Ever Needed To Know...

I did not learn in kindergarten.

In the past couple of months, I have learned a lot of lessons that are key to being an adult in today's society. Here are a few examples.

Iced coffee and cigarettes will never be as good as hot coffee and cigarettes. Most beer is just that... beer. But, Fat Tire beer is like honey in the land of plenty. Fresh pesto is always better than pesto that is prepackaged or a week old. Canned asparagus will never ever be as good as fresh asparagus. Back to pesto... it goes with just about anything. Fresh mushrooms should never be washed. Artichoke hearts in olive oil will always taste better than artichoke hearts in water. Spicy food always feels better going in than coming out... the same goes for tequila. Most importantly, it is better to splurge for a better bottle of spirits.

These, above all, are lessons that I have valued. But, the most important lessons are... True friends will be there through the rough patches. No matter how rough! Secrets burn bridges more effectively than any wild fire. Forgiveness is beautiful to witness. Life goes on, even after death.

To the people who have taught me these lessons, I am forever grateful. I love you to the ends of the earth and back!

***edit*** It was brought to my attention that I have left out a crucial lesson. This being that thin crust pizza blows any other crust away! Think... pizza toppings on a cracker! YUM! Who'd have thunk it, eh?