6.7.09

Houston...

We have a problem!

Have you ever felt like your life is spiraling out of control? One minute, you feel in control of things. You know what you want for the future. You're 100% sure of your dreams and aspirations. You know that the man in your life is the one for whom you've been waiting all your life. Then, the next minute, you've lost it. You're no longer sure of your future. You question your motives for everything you do. That man you knew wasn't perfect, isn't looking like the right man, after all. But, you love him anyway... You feel like everything you've been planning is going to shit - excuse the language.

You see, today, this is how I feel. I haven't been feeling in control of my life for quite some time now. But, today, I felt it spiral out of control. I've been questioning why certain people have been put in to my life. Growing up a Christian (Catholic, to be exact), I've always been taught that people are sent to you for a reason. Be it to help you in your conversion to be a better person, to humble you to seek the assistance of a higher power(God), or for you to help them. But, no matter the reason, one should see the presence of the other as a blessing. A grace given to you by the Lord.

Lately, it's been hard to see the grace in the presence of some people. There has been one person in particular about whom I have been very confused. I believe I love him. Otherwise, thinking of a life without said person would not be painful or cause any confusion. I also know that there are many degrees of love. There's the love between a man and a woman, the love between friends, the love between a child and her parents, the love between siblings. The list goes on and on. My problem is this. I need to distinguish the type of love that I have for this man. Whether it be the type between a man and a woman(be it unrequited or what have you) or the love between friends.

What I do know is that if something were to happen to this person, I would be at a loss. I value the friendship and the honesty that we share(though, I have caught him in a lie a couple of times and called him on it). Being away from this person, not hearing from him for a few days, it makes me long for his presence again: to hear his voice, to sense his joy.

I can't help but chuckle, right now. Thinking of the people reading this. My friends. As they try to wrap their heads around this. Try to decipher things and figure out who I'm talking about, exactly. But, that will have to wait for another time. A time when I'm more willing to share that part of my life with everyone. I know... I know... Why bait and then release? I don't know. I suppose I just needed to release a little bit. To let a little steam off when it's bothering me the most. I have no idea why it's bothering me so much today, of all days.

All the other uncertainties that I have, God willing, will work themselves out in the next couple of weeks. I have changes to make and rather than sitting on these changes, as I have been for a couple of months now, I am taking steps towards making them. The plans I've made are all going haywire. But, I'm hoping that I can get things in perspective and start prioritizing the responsibilities I have on my plate.

So, Houston to ground control... This is Jess signing off for today.

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